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Aik Din Steefa Kay Saath

March 13, 2012

*The camera pans to Sohail Warraich getting off from his Toyota Hiace*

Sohail Warraich narration: Hum subah saveray Mashoor-e-Zamana Amreeki  socialite Stefon kay Lahori cousin Steefa kay ghar pohanchay, jin ka asal naam Lateef bataya jaata hay! Unhoun Ne apnay baagheechay main mulaqaat ki. Woh us waqt apni paaltoo badakh ko warzish karwaa rahay thay!

Sohail Waraich: Aap ko a’am tor pe aap kay maamu-zaad bhai Stefon ka tawassud say pehchaana jaata hay. Aap kiya issi ta’aluqq say durr honay kay liyay aap nay Lahore ko apna garh bana liya hay?

Steefa gives Sohail Warraich a “death scare” while he fondles with his help’s long nice thick beard.

Sohail Warraich realised that the interview didn’t start on the right note, and he needs to charm the shit out of Steefa. He smiled gingerly, while he considered his next move.

Steefa: You know its so warm here, I have no choice but to wear my mankinis around. Sohail Saab, im so sunburnt, dekhiyay naa!

SW: To aap ko Lahore kaisa lagaa? Lahore to apnay pakwaan ki wajah say dunya bhar main mashoor hay

Steefa:  You know what! Im so over this thing about people showing off their drinking and drug use as a status symbol over here. Its like, Gurl 1980s called! Seriously!

That’s why new fav eatery is called Zionista! Its so illegal, its so illegal that its hawt! They ONLY serve pork dishes, prepared with ONLY Indian whiskey, and copious amount of Meth as side dish! The only music that plays is Dubstep remixes of Owais Raza Qadri na’ats. And it has EVERYTHINGFlaming PaanDaans, Gawalmandi-Aunty-fighting in a cage, and kidnapped Bass Guitar players being waterboarded just for laughs. Also, what makes it more exciting? They are going to have a Surprise Suicide Bomb Blast sometime next month! We are all VERY excited about that! We already got our bets locked in!

SW: Yeh to bari anokhi baat hui. Lahore ki siqaafat kay bhee baray charchay hain! Kiya aap nay kissi dilchasp siqafati sargarmi main hissa liya hay?

Steefa: Yes! Yes! We are organizing a Fashion show on uber-cool Lahori rooftop in Samanabad. You know that Old Lahore Rooftop is so noughties! We are trying to gentrify Samanabad where all of us creatives type can live together and create beauty and ART! We would have copious amount of non-commercialized qulfi vendors in the surrounding areas, as well as bars which serve only Pakola.

Coming back to the Fashion Show; the theme of the show is TaliBan Chic, and we would only use the materials that we steal from our Pathan drivers and security guards.

Ofcourse we’ll send it in to our darzis, because darzis are now cool again! The Fashion Show would have EVERYTHING! AK47 firing range for kids, honor-killing your goats, and Blue Burqa Go-Go Dancers!

Though there would be strict rules against Niswaaring during the show, because that fad has come in and went away like in 2011! Ugh! Niswaaring is what Phase V DHA kids are doing NOW! Cheapos!

SW: Aray, aap kay cousin Stefon to aik buhat baray “party boy” hain! Aap ko Lahore ki partiyaaN kaisee lageein?

Steefa:  Lahore has a lot of pretentious party people. Uff! Its so embarrassing! People STILL go to Badian, and some weird Ministry of Sound concerts in some farm houses. Luckily I have a friend who organizes the BEST parties in Lahore. The last party was ON the Ravi River Bed! The fun part was that we didn’t know when it was going to flood next time around! Ooo! Also we made sure we called in Jamaat-e-Islami about where our party was; because no party is a party without Mullah Raid! So much fun! I went home with one of the raiders *Big Wink*

Because there’s nothing better than a Raiwind Rave!

His next party is at the Hiran Minar, with something special for the party-goers in the water: HIRANS!

Oh Deer! Haha!

SW: Kiya Yeh Khula Tazaad Nahin?

Steefa: The party will have EVERYTHING! The classic Is-It-Cleanse-or-bhang? game, an old British couple judging people about how savage the locals are, and Sanam Marvi singing M.I.A. Songs!

Ofcourse since that bitch Maya went mainstream we only listen to her songs ironically!

SW: Aap say milnay….. Aur mulaqaat karnay ka bara Mazaa Aaya! Aap Hamain ab ijazat dijiyay

Steefa: Nahin Warraich jee…… NahiiiiiiiiN!

4 Comments leave one →
  1. March 13, 2012 5:52 pm

    Kiya yeh Khula Tazzad nae!! Although it might be some time before SNL kinda show comes to these shores (and i might be so wrong), let this post be a testament to it being conceived here!!
    Very well done Dishoomjee!!

    • March 14, 2012 5:35 am

      Thanks jee! A few things: SNL is not always top-grade comedy but the limitations of the weekly live sketch shows would cause those inconsistency in the quality of the work. But some of the characters are really great. I guess we need to develop those characters more, in our local comedy, rather than relying on some familiar tropes.

  2. March 14, 2012 10:18 am

    The beauty of it is that even though I can read much faster, I was reading it in Sohail Warraich’s pace and his voice :)

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