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Faker’s Guide to Haseena Atom Bomb – Part 3

June 30, 2012

After months of procrastination, here is the final installment of The Faker’s Guide to Haseena Atom Bomb. Links to Part 1 and Part 2, if you need to go back and refresh the memory. So, yeah, where were we?

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March 31, 2012

Mr. Kala Kawa, on our very own Anjuman!

Kala Kawa

I can’t quite explain why I’m this fascinated by the Punjabi film star Anjuman.

That’s actually not entirely true. I can explain its genesis. My aayah (or nanny, what have you), was borderline obsessed with Anjuman. While growing up, I would often be subjected to VHS tapes of Anjuman’s songs and at times entire Anjuman movies.

As a child, my interest in these was perfunctory at best. Some of the song clips were undeniably mesmerizing, I particularly recall one with a song and dance atop a train (eat your heart out Malaika Arora), and another that featured her in a string of disco themed outfits that were further disco-fied by the mere fact that these were Punjabi masala numbers. Imagine a glitter ball, covered in sequins, layered over with neon gauze, and with green eyeshadow. THAT was Disco Anjuman.

What this post is not trying to do is explore Anjuman…

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Aik Din Steefa Kay Saath

March 13, 2012

*The camera pans to Sohail Warraich getting off from his Toyota Hiace*

Sohail Warraich narration: Hum subah saveray Mashoor-e-Zamana Amreeki  socialite Stefon kay Lahori cousin Steefa kay ghar pohanchay, jin ka asal naam Lateef bataya jaata hay! Unhoun Ne apnay baagheechay main mulaqaat ki. Woh us waqt apni paaltoo badakh ko warzish karwaa rahay thay!

Sohail Waraich: Aap ko a’am tor pe aap kay maamu-zaad bhai Stefon ka tawassud say pehchaana jaata hay. Aap kiya issi ta’aluqq say durr honay kay liyay aap nay Lahore ko apna garh bana liya hay?

Steefa gives Sohail Warraich a “death scare” while he fondles with his help’s long nice thick beard.

Sohail Warraich realised that the interview didn’t start on the right note, and he needs to charm the shit out of Steefa. He smiled gingerly, while he considered his next move.

Steefa: You know its so warm here, I have no choice but to wear my mankinis around. Sohail Saab, im so sunburnt, dekhiyay naa!

SW: To aap ko Lahore kaisa lagaa? Lahore to apnay pakwaan ki wajah say dunya bhar main mashoor hay

Steefa:  You know what! Im so over this thing about people showing off their drinking and drug use as a status symbol over here. Its like, Gurl 1980s called! Seriously!

That’s why new fav eatery is called Zionista! Its so illegal, its so illegal that its hawt! They ONLY serve pork dishes, prepared with ONLY Indian whiskey, and copious amount of Meth as side dish! The only music that plays is Dubstep remixes of Owais Raza Qadri na’ats. And it has EVERYTHINGFlaming PaanDaans, Gawalmandi-Aunty-fighting in a cage, and kidnapped Bass Guitar players being waterboarded just for laughs. Also, what makes it more exciting? They are going to have a Surprise Suicide Bomb Blast sometime next month! We are all VERY excited about that! We already got our bets locked in!

SW: Yeh to bari anokhi baat hui. Lahore ki siqaafat kay bhee baray charchay hain! Kiya aap nay kissi dilchasp siqafati sargarmi main hissa liya hay?

Steefa: Yes! Yes! We are organizing a Fashion show on uber-cool Lahori rooftop in Samanabad. You know that Old Lahore Rooftop is so noughties! We are trying to gentrify Samanabad where all of us creatives type can live together and create beauty and ART! We would have copious amount of non-commercialized qulfi vendors in the surrounding areas, as well as bars which serve only Pakola.

Coming back to the Fashion Show; the theme of the show is TaliBan Chic, and we would only use the materials that we steal from our Pathan drivers and security guards.

Ofcourse we’ll send it in to our darzis, because darzis are now cool again! The Fashion Show would have EVERYTHING! AK47 firing range for kids, honor-killing your goats, and Blue Burqa Go-Go Dancers!

Though there would be strict rules against Niswaaring during the show, because that fad has come in and went away like in 2011! Ugh! Niswaaring is what Phase V DHA kids are doing NOW! Cheapos!

SW: Aray, aap kay cousin Stefon to aik buhat baray “party boy” hain! Aap ko Lahore ki partiyaaN kaisee lageein?

Steefa:  Lahore has a lot of pretentious party people. Uff! Its so embarrassing! People STILL go to Badian, and some weird Ministry of Sound concerts in some farm houses. Luckily I have a friend who organizes the BEST parties in Lahore. The last party was ON the Ravi River Bed! The fun part was that we didn’t know when it was going to flood next time around! Ooo! Also we made sure we called in Jamaat-e-Islami about where our party was; because no party is a party without Mullah Raid! So much fun! I went home with one of the raiders *Big Wink*

Because there’s nothing better than a Raiwind Rave!

His next party is at the Hiran Minar, with something special for the party-goers in the water: HIRANS!

Oh Deer! Haha!

SW: Kiya Yeh Khula Tazaad Nahin?

Steefa: The party will have EVERYTHING! The classic Is-It-Cleanse-or-bhang? game, an old British couple judging people about how savage the locals are, and Sanam Marvi singing M.I.A. Songs!

Ofcourse since that bitch Maya went mainstream we only listen to her songs ironically!

SW: Aap say milnay….. Aur mulaqaat karnay ka bara Mazaa Aaya! Aap Hamain ab ijazat dijiyay

Steefa: Nahin Warraich jee…… NahiiiiiiiiN!

The Great Reema Youtube-Vaganza!

November 16, 2011

Reema is pulling off a Madhuri! She is leaving the film industry and getting all settled down with a nice little doctor in North America. Congratulations to her!

This is, then, a good time to look back at her career.

Reema Khan has been in the Pakistani film “industry” for over 20 years! That’s a massive achievement! Mainstream Heroes can barely do 20 years in the industry, let alone a Heroine. She has been an institution of sorts, always conducting herself with a certain grace and charm. That might seem like a bit fake sometimes, but it is admirable nonetheless. It should be also noted that she hasn’t worked with the “good” directors of the industry; i.e. Javed Sheikh, post-Chooriyaan Syed Noor etc. Also she hasn’t been attached to any of the “big-glamour-projects” over the last decade. Yet she dominates our image of what Pakistani film industry is.

Is she our version of Salman Khan? Nay, even better! She is the modern-day Anjuman! Also, it might be criminal to still look that damn fine, when someone is over 40yo. Damn Woman!

This calls for a big old fashion Reema Youtube Marathon! Oh yeaah brother!!

Lets start off with her debut movie, Bulandi. In 1990, she kicked it off with equally tween looking Shaan. It was just the start a young budding actress needed, and she was suddenly the talk of the town.

Here she is just kicking it up with Shaan in Bulandi, her debut in 1990

She kicked off her epic pairing with Babar Ali after Shaan went all AWOL. Look at their chemistry in this song Tukar Tukar, from Munda Bigra Jaye from 1995

She went epic kitsch in this song “Ship By Ship” from SaRak (1995)

Also, this EPIC song from the movie “Jo Darr Gaya Woh Marr Gaya” – 1995

This song is CLASSIC just because of the number of Animated GIFs one can make out of it!




Here they are boogying it down from the 1996 movie “Miss Istanbul” – Chaar DinoN ki baat hay

This song is worth the amazing Random-Russian-Gori-Girl-Fierce-Pose-Off at 3:10 mark, from Talismi Jazeera (1996)

Here’s Reema doing her thang on Daanay Pe Daana!

For some Tango with Babar Ali in Moskwa, here’s Aye Thee College Parhnay (AkhiyaaN Lar Gaiyen Aan Chittay Munday De Naal) -1997

Again from 1997, here’s Hum Tumhaare Hain from Hum Tumhaare Hain! This is just worth all the Babar Ali-Reema dance moves!

She turned on the charm in this great song from the movie Nikah – Resham Kay Lehnga Mera. The movie reunited the Shaan-Reema pairing after a long long time!

And she turned on more of THAT chemistry in this really nice song from 1999. Though, easily the best part of the song are its’ two great singers Ghulam Abbas and oh-so-underrated Shabnam Majeed


Aaja Nee Baija Cycle Te

Also in 2000, she had a minor role in Shaan’s second directorial venture “Mujhay Caand Chahiye”, where she had an artsy fartsy song routine with Moammar Rana

She really took a back-seat in 2000s, where she only did a handful of films. However, she went into directing and producing movies. Her first directorial venture was “Koi Tujh Sa Kahan”(2005), which did quite well apparently.

In 2006, she featured in this movie (which is creatively titled) “One 2 Ka One”. She is looking mighty fine! So is Saima! Woof! Both are going for Lucky Mr Moammar Rana in this one (I guessing he has a double role as one of the looks of Mr. Rana is all combed out, the other is all scruffy disheveled)

Which leads us to “Love Mein Ghum” (2011), her swansong movie. She directed, produced, and then starred in it. Unlike her first movie, I actually saw this movie, and let me tell you something: It was utter trash. I couldn’t even enjoy it unironically. I might write something about it in the coming weeks, but it was horrible! The movie took itself so seriously, and it didn’t have the goods to back up the claim. Having said that, stylishly speaking, it looked beautiful!

Though, I would like to thank Reema for everything she has done. Kitsch factor apart, she made it through a society which is totally bent towards subjugating women: And she made it through being fabulously awesome! Thank you for the memories, Reema!

Fakers’ Guide to Haseena Atom Bomb – Part 2

September 27, 2011

Here is the second part of the three (or four) part saga of Haseena Atom Bomb.

Part 1 is here. and Part 3 here

Fakers’ Guide to Haseena Atom Bomb – Part 1

September 21, 2011

I had been away from the blogging for a bit now. Im trying to change that, and Im coming back with a blog post format which I enjoyed doing the most, even though it was the most hectic, and the most excruciating thing to pull off. Presenting another edition from the “Faker’s Guide To..” series of … umm… comics.

Previously “Suha Jora” underwent the same treatment, and you can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

Haseena Atom Bomb is considered one of the trashtastic trash masterpiece of trash-normous scale. It was originally released in 1990, in Pashto. It was then re-released, with Urdu dubbing, later on. It starred Musarrat Shaheen and Badar Munir, arguably two of the biggest Pashto movie stars there ever been. A few people have tried to write on the movie,particularly Memsaab blog and @FourDK from twitter

Presenting…. Haseena Atom Bomb!

Part 2 of Haseena Atom Bomb is here and Part 3 here


Bollywood in New York

July 9, 2011

In an effort to expose some of my New York acquaintances to the wonderful world of Bollywood, I decided to make a list of some of the songs which featured their own bloody city. It is not meant to be an introduction to actual Bollywood, as that is a whole different conversation, and frankly beyond me (FilmiGirl’s Bollywood For Beginners Guide is Excellent, if someone is interested)

Occidentalism Alert!

Read more…